Last week I had coffee with Sarah. We’ve been friends since our kids started kindy together at Woollahra Public. She looked exhausted, stirring her flat white way longer than necessary before finally saying those words: “Tom and I are separating.” My heart sank. Not because I didnt see it coming (honestly, we all kind of did) but because I had no idea what to say next.
If you’re anything like me, watching a friend navigate separation feels overwhelming. You want to help but dont know how. After talking to several mums who’ve been through this and even consulting with specialists like Family Law Partners Central Coast about what friends really need to know, I’ve learned that sometimes the best support comes from understanding what NOT to do as much as what to do.
The Things We Say (That We Probably Shouldn’t)
“I never liked him anyway” might feel supportive but trust me, its not helpful. Your friend chose this person, had kids with them, built a life together. Trashing their ex doesn’t erase those years or make things easier. Sarah told me later that comments like these made her feel judged for staying as long as she did.
Instead try: “This must be so hard. How are you feeling today?” Simple. Open. No judgment.
Practical Help Beats Platitudes Every Time
When my neighbor went through her divorce, I kept saying “let me know if you need anything.” Guess what? She never asked. Because when you’re drowning in lawyers meetings, mediations, and trying to keep life normal for the kids, you dont have energy to delegate.
Better approach: Just do stuff. Drop off a meal (label it clearly so she knows whats inside and can freeze it). Take her kids for a playdate without making it seem like charity. Offer to drive to school pickup when you know she has appointments. Text her “I’m at Westfield, what can I grab you from Woolies?”
The Kids Are Watching Everything
This is the hardest part. Your kids are friends with their kids. Playdates get weird. Do you invite just the kids? Include mum? What about when dad has them that weekend?
Here’s what I learned: Keep inviting. Keep including. Let your friend decide what works. And for the love of all things holy, dont let your kids become message carriers. “My mum says your parents are getting divorced” is not something any child needs to hear from a friend.
Money Conversations Are Awkward But Necessary
Separation hits the wallet hard. Suddenly one household becomes two. Legal fees pile up. That coffee catch up at Bills might now be stretching the budget.
Be sensitive. Suggest walks instead of cafe meetups. If you’re organizing group dinners, pick affordable spots or host at home. When Sarah mentioned she was worried about Christmas presents, our mums group quietly organized a gift pool so her kids wouldn’t miss out. No fuss, no drama, just friends looking out for each other.
The Long Game Matters Most
The first few weeks after announcement, everyone rallies. Texts flow, offers of help pour in. But three months later? Six months? That’s when loneliness really kicks in.
Set reminders in your phone to check in. Not just “thinking of you” texts but real check ins. “Free for a walk Tuesday morning?” or “Kids are watching a movie Friday night, come over for wine?”
What Not to Share on the Playground
The Eastern Suburbs can feel like a small town sometimes. Everyone knows everyone. Gossip spreads faster than gastro through a classroom. Your friend’s separation is not playground conversation material. Not even with your “trustworthy” mum friends. Not even if “everyone already knows.”
When other parents fish for information (and they will), perfect this phrase: “I really dont know the details, but I know she could use our support right now.”
Sometimes Professional Help Is The Best Help
You can be the most amazing friend but you’re not a lawyer, therapist, or financial advisor. Encourage your friend to get proper professional support. Share resources when appropriate but dont pretend you have expertise you dont have.
Remember: This Too Shall Pass
Watching Sarah navigate the last eight months has been eye opening. Yes there were brutal days. Mediation meetings that left her in tears. Moments when she questioned everything. But there were also glimpses of her old self returning. Then more than glimpses. Now she’s planning a solo trip to Bali with her sister and laughing like I haven’t heard in years.
Separation isn’t the end of someone’s story. It’s a really tough chapter but not the final one. Your job as a friend isn’t to fix anything or have perfect words. It’s to show up, stay consistent, and remember that your friend is still the same person who makes you laugh at school assembly and saves you a spot at morning coffee.
Sometimes the best support is just being normal when everything else feels anything but.
